"What kind of love just stays the same?What kind of love don’t die alone? "
I have this song stuck in my head.. So I’m going to listen to it on repeat until I fall asleep tonight. The song is called “What Kind Of Love” by Childish Gambino.
Mellow and harmonious. The beat is just a riff from an electric guitar. Throw some reverb and a light echo on it and you can feel the vibe of regret and certainty all at the same time. The more I listen to the simplicity of this little masterpiece, I come closer to the realization that I could listen to it for all eternity. Have it fade in the moment I start to fade out. Slowly exhaling into a full state of bliss. I hope I could be welcomed by the universe with a beautiful melody.
"What kind of love would take this long? What kind of love don’t make you old?"
Sometimes I get the impression that she accidentally thinks the worst of me. Being so direct about my intentions may come off as being aggressive in her mind. She’s got her own life to figure out. I would love to help the best way I can.. At the same time, I’m just trying to enjoy the ride.. See where it takes us. We tend to go off road now and then, but we manage to find smooth ground before the end of the night.
Life and all of it’s mysteries. Every opinion I hear.. Slowly realizing that I just don’t give a damn. All that desk work you probably do. All the time you spend worrying about the quality of life people expect you to pursue.. We get so wrapped up in it that we lose ourselves in the process. I’ll admit That it’s been a while since I’ve aimed high towards the stars. The strait and narrow is what kills me the most. I just want it to be simple. I just want to love. Freely. Something universal..
I’ll leave this life and everyone that’s played a role in it better off before I die. That’s my only goal.
Ps. I need to change my tumblr name. I’ll think of a name or something. I think I’ve finally found purpose for it.
My window is always cracked at night.. It’s become a habit over the years. Hearing the subtle noise of tires tearing through the damp pavement, mixed with the sound and smell of the Michigan midnight breeze. It’s puts me at ease.
Tonight isn’t to different from all of the others. Everyone is fading into adulthood. Freedom seems so far away now. They told us anything was possible at the peak of your life when it all felt limitless. Now, all I care about is a simple quiet life. I don’t expect much from anyone.. Half the time I can barely get the truth out of them.
Here’s a truth.
I’m in limbo. Floating in a void between my inner most fears and a new beginning that has absolutely nothing to do with where I am currently.. Everyday I wake up feeling the sway, like a captain on his ship, lost at sea. The fog symbolizes midland. ( yes there is fog ) Its thick and permanent. Each degree I turn is filled with just as much uncertainty by its presence alone. Nothing I do seems right or good enough.
I’m still learning how to gracefully dance between these moments. I want to execute each one perfectly.
I guess I’m still trying to find my rhythm.
P.S. Dustin O’ Halloran is the shit.
"Life is being in bed with you. Everything else is just waiting."
Everyone must play.. A double-bind. You are required to do something which will be acceptable, ONLY if you do it voluntarily. The Unsettled created opportunity to be conformist.
All people are equally inferior. The parody of democracy. The terror of the outsider.. (me someday).
One day I will leave this game.
into myself, the lesson
is finding less ‘me.’"
After flight 411 successfully landed in Fort Lauderdale. A few Aprils ago I felt sure of something for the first time in a long time. So many emotions leading up until now. Walking out into the early summer of Florida was only heightening her warm embrace outside the doors of baggage claim. She was so beautiful. Standing 5’9 with her long beautiful persian hair and hazel eyes. God was even so gracious enough to splash them with specs of blue here and there. That Florida sun was only a lit candle dwarfed before the shine of her smile. Only now was I able to fully appreciate such an amazing creature that only knew how to love hard.
My trip was strictly pleasure. We vowed to make things right. When she did absolutely nothing wrong to begin with…
Being hot or cold with your emotions would scare anyone who dare tread in these waters of mine. Just as their muscles are finally able to relax and their thoughts can flow with no heed or conscious surveillance. When the smiles are sincere and the anticipation of what new discoveries can be made awaits.. I flip.
She looked at me as if the world was standing before her. Envisioning how beautiful life will be. All of the mysteries and wonders, no longer will she have to face them alone. My awareness of it all hurts me the most. Knowing all of this while being so confused about who I am. knowing all of this while refusing the ideas of what she spoke of me. Swearing on her only precious life of its certainty. If love was what she felt, where is the trust on my behalf? She could of been right all along.. The company of my excuses replace the company of my family, friends and past lovers. Each one as individual and unique as the next. Justifying my very own personal truth.. what do I know about anything? All I know is that I hurt people. Some of them hurt me. Its like, lost souls finding their way getting caught in the cross hairs of others and their paths. These battle scars take the longest to heal.
I never forget the face of heartbreak. Its equally as powerful as the face of being in love. Its the eyes.. they carry all of your pain and all of your joy. The thought of seeing either of those faces again scared me. Because where there was love.. heartbreak always seemed to follow. I was blind folded by my personal convictions and selfish pursuits to finding myself. I’ve broken 4 hearts. Each one with its own counter. Now here I stand, wounded and heavily guarded in my armor made of pride… from every form or notion of love and its army of lessons waiting to strike me at the slightest opening or weak point I will eventually expose.
I am no coward..