into myself, the lesson
is finding less ‘me.’"
After flight 411 successfully landed in Fort Lauderdale. A few Aprils ago I felt sure of something for the first time in a long time. So many emotions leading up until now. Walking out into the early summer of Florida was only heightening her warm embrace outside the doors of baggage claim. She was so beautiful. Standing 5’9 with her long beautiful persian hair and hazel eyes. God was even so gracious enough to splash them with specs of blue here and there. That Florida sun was only a lit candle dwarfed before the shine of her smile. Only now was I able to fully appreciate such an amazing creature that only knew how to love hard.
My trip was strictly pleasure. We vowed to make things right. When she did absolutely nothing wrong to begin with…
Being hot or cold with your emotions would scare anyone who dare tread in these waters of mine. Just as their muscles are finally able to relax and their thoughts can flow with no heed or conscious surveillance. When the smiles are sincere and the anticipation of what new discoveries can be made awaits.. I flip.
She looked at me as if the world was standing before her. Envisioning how beautiful life will be. All of the mysteries and wonders, no longer will she have to face them alone. My awareness of it all hurts me the most. Knowing all of this while being so confused about who I am. knowing all of this while refusing the ideas of what she spoke of me. Swearing on her only precious life of its certainty. If love was what she felt, where is the trust on my behalf? She could of been right all along.. The company of my excuses replace the company of my family, friends and past lovers. Each one as individual and unique as the next. Justifying my very own personal truth.. what do I know about anything? All I know is that I hurt people. Some of them hurt me. Its like, lost souls finding their way getting caught in the cross hairs of others and their paths. These battle scars take the longest to heal.
I never forget the face of heartbreak. Its equally as powerful as the face of being in love. Its the eyes.. they carry all of your pain and all of your joy. The thought of seeing either of those faces again scared me. Because where there was love.. heartbreak always seemed to follow. I was blind folded by my personal convictions and selfish pursuits to finding myself. I’ve broken 4 hearts. Each one with its own counter. Now here I stand, wounded and heavily guarded in my armor made of pride… from every form or notion of love and its army of lessons waiting to strike me at the slightest opening or weak point I will eventually expose.
I am no coward..
If your eyes are the window to your soul
Open eyes bring the cold
If your dreams keep you warm in night
Baby just keep ‘em closed
If your eyes are the window
I can sneak in at night
In your eyes I can see your soul
Staring back into mine.
"Power resides where man believes it resides.."
"Be careful.. Not careless"
I’ve been sleeping in more then usual lately. Now I can’t decide if it’s developed into a bad habit or it’s just my sleep schedule being all out of whack. Hopefully I’m not the only one but, when I lay on my pillow just right, I can hear my heart beat through my ear… I know in weird whatever.
Things have been random all week. Random run-ins with random old friends I hardly see. Random text messages. Random places I randomly end up. Something beautiful did happen yesterday though. My mother called and expressed to me how nervous she was. You see, there is this guy she’s been keeping a secret for over 6 months. He’s been nothing but a complete gentleman to her (which is rare). Her voice is all high pitched and she’s excited to talk about all the lovely things he says and does for her. The only downside is her history of messing a good thing up. So yea, I was more then happy to give my mother advice at 7am in the morning..
She’s such a child sometimes. Even when I was younger in my early teens I knew it.. One this is for certain, my ability to perceive wasn’t a trait passed down from either sides of my family. My brothers and I are very aware of the world around us. We’ve always known who to trust and keep in the fray. The rest of my family are a bunch of nut cases just waiting for a vacation in a patted room.. Sorry that wasn’t very nice.
I guess that’s one of the many reasons I left home days after I turned 18 and never looked back.
To tell you the truth, I’m still trying to figure out what part of me was left behind that early morning on Jan, 5th.
Sorry it’s been a while sine my last post. I will do better, promise.